Beauty In The Breakdown: Main Gallery

For Madeline at five

2012-01-28T11:17:00.000-08:00

full moon (painted)

2011-12-31T12:29:00.001-08:00

The moon and stars are placed exactly as they would have appeared out of my bedroom window in the early hours of January 4th, 2007 at the moment when Madeline's heart beat for the last time.

Prints and cards of this piece are now available for purchase!

Winter (painted)

2011-12-28T21:27:00.001-08:00

Prints and cards of this piece are now available for purchase!

not ok

2011-12-28T21:26:00.000-08:00

Prints and cards of this piece are now available for purchase!

wrong

2011-12-22T12:41:00.000-08:00

Prints and cards of this piece are now available for purchase!

I am changed (painted)

2011-12-08T20:48:00.001-08:00

Prints and cards of this piece are now available for purchase!

Sacred

2011-12-07T13:42:00.001-08:00

Prints and cards of this piece are now available for purchase!

Fine

2011-01-03T18:57:00.000-08:00

It is cold and it is dark
My body shivers, maybe
but I don't feel it
My eyes have become so accustomed to the lack of light
that they do not even need to strain to see
I've adjusted to these conditions
This is all just fine for me

Grieving

2011-01-02T21:09:00.000-08:00

clay and powder

Peapod

2011-01-02T12:21:00.000-08:00

Hand sculpted in polymer clay with powder finish

January

2011-01-02T11:59:00.002-08:00

Cold and complicated
You hold within your grip
the best and worst that life has to offer
Death, birth
In that twisted order
I curse you for your cruelty
and bow down to your beauty
I beg you to be gentle with me
You break me every time.

Winter

2011-01-02T11:59:00.001-08:00

the coldness creeps in
and my body remembers
winter is so hard

full moon

2010-11-22T17:58:00.000-08:00

On clear quiet nights

I can see her in the moon
She is beautiful

we had the whole world in our hands

2010-11-21T10:59:00.000-08:00

sketch in ink on rice paper

I am changed

2010-11-14T12:11:00.000-08:00

blood from your body
has pulsed through my heart, my veins
of course i am changed

broken hearts and a little blue dress

2010-11-14T10:12:00.001-08:00

Innocently I pulled back the lid
and years of dreams,
broken hearts and a little blue dress
leaped out like lions
and ripped into my soul.

So much time had passed
since I'd touched that fabric,
the proof of what was surely about to be
but then wasn't,
that it sucked the breath out of my lungs
and left me shaking.

Pink snowsuit with bunny ears
and an orange sundress
shouted out that you were real. Human.
Not just an idea or an inspiration,
a daughter.
And it broke me all over again.

I dream of you constantly,
pretty little girl with deep brown eyes,
you are in the very marrow of my bones
but today I was reminded
by a little blue dress
that you were more than dreams
and it crushed me.

(The dress has been folded,
it is back in the box.
The lid has been replaced.
But I can't shake these thoughts
of what almost was,
and I am not okay.)

holding her

2010-11-14T09:35:00.000-08:00

Blind line contour in ink

balloons

2010-11-14T09:23:00.000-08:00

they clung to it
for an hour out there in the wind
chilly fingers wishing for pockets
but braving the cold to hold tightly to a string
until the air was filled with a beautiful sound
a child's name, so carefully picked
music to a mother's ears
and then they let go

the wind whisked it up and over the trees
and the sky opened wide
glowing golden warm and welcoming
embracing each one
and they watched in silence
till they could no longer see the beloved specks in the sky
and they walked off
with arms just as empty as ever
but with hearts full and bursting with love

Alaska

2010-11-14T09:21:00.000-08:00

grief is Alaska
and sadness is permafrost
i am always cold

Stomp

2010-09-14T17:41:00.000-07:00

Some days I just feel
like I am slowly evaporating
dissipating into the wind.

So I stomp around
till I feel grounded again
and settle back into my skin.

Mothers Day 2009

2009-05-15T18:43:00.001-07:00

perfect and pretty
my sweet little flower was
more beautiful than
words can possibly describe
I'm so honored that she's mine

This piece was published in Stephanie's book, Still.

available at Amazon, Barnes&Noble & Sweet Pea Project

Mothers Day 2007

2009-05-15T18:42:00.000-07:00

I asked the earth why
and the wind whispered to me
Chaos reigns supreme

This piece was published in Stephanie's book, Still.

available at Amazon, Barnes&Noble & Sweet Pea Project

What Was Lost

2009-05-15T18:33:00.001-07:00

Quiet late nights, just us two
the rest of the world asleep
I cradle you in my arms as you nurse
stare at your sweet face
and fall deeper and deeper in love
Drink in the peace of those moments
the world has faded away
for now there is only us
Later, first smiles
First babbles
First steps
You are discovering the world
and I am seeing it all new
everything is amazing through your eyes
the grass, the snow, the rain
Take it all in
Your eyes wide with learning
And I watch and smile and think
This is what life is about
This is what was lost

This piece was published in Stephanie's book, Still.

available at Amazon, Barnes&Noble & Sweet Pea Project

Why I Cannot Join A Moms Group

2009-05-15T18:31:00.000-07:00

Surrounded by women

With children in their arms

On their laps

Circling their legs

I belong and I don’t

I meet the criteria to be in this club

With a little one balanced on my hip

Playing with my hair

It is a typical mom conversation

What foods have you introduced?

Is he sleeping through the night?

Anyone thinking about having a second?

That's not what’s on my mind

There's a little girl laughing in the corner

She would be just her age

Now I am choking on thoughts

That I cannot turn to words

I will not allow myself to cry here

But I miss her I miss her I miss her

Talk only about the live one

You will alienate yourself

You will be the-woman-with-the-dead-baby

You will not make new friends

I repeat it until I accept it

I shut off what is real

I chat about teething

I go home and cry

Yes he’s sleeping through the night

He likes pears and avocado

And we’re starting to think about having another

But that would be our third.

And you don’t realize how good you have it

There are things worse than sleepless nights

with cranky infants

There are sleepless nights alone

This piece was published in Stephanie's book, Still.

available at Amazon, Barnes&Noble & Sweet Pea Project

Disbelief Dreams

2009-05-15T18:30:00.000-07:00

Disbelief Dreams of a different time
A different outcome
A different day.
Detachment Dances through my veins
Teams up with the Percocet
I no longer feel
Darkness Drowns me, I cannot see
It swallows me whole
I cannot breathe.
Death Descended on my body
It took her
It should have been me.

This piece was published in Stephanie's book, Still.

available at Amazon, Barnes&Noble & Sweet Pea Project

Skunk

2009-05-15T18:29:00.000-07:00

My grief is a skunk.

Not just because it stinks, though it does,

but because everyone tiptoes around it

Concerned, even fearful, that if they get too close

to me and my grief

They will get sprayed with my stink, my sadness

And they'll never be able to get it out of their clothes.

This piece was published in Stephanie's book, Still.

available at Amazon, Barnes&Noble & Sweet Pea Project

Madeline's Shoes

2009-05-15T18:25:00.001-07:00

This piece was published in Stephanie's book, Still.

available at Amazon, Barnes&Noble & Sweet Pea Project

Prints and cards of this piece are now available for purchase!

Empty.

2009-05-15T18:23:00.002-07:00

"This was painted shortly after Madeline's death,
when my body still looked pregnant, but was
emptier than it had ever been."

This piece was published in Stephanie's book, Still.

available at Amazon, Barnes&Noble & Sweet Pea Project

Prints and cards of this piece are now available for purchase!

For Madeline

2009-05-15T18:23:00.001-07:00

"Although losing Maddie was the mostpainful experience of my life, I am sohonored to be her mother. I wish I hadmore time with her, but I am so grateful forevery second of the 41 weeks we shared."

This piece was published in Stephanie's book, Still.

available at Amazon, Barnes&Noble & Sweet Pea Project

Prints and cards of this piece are now available for purchase!

Panic Attack

2009-05-15T18:21:00.000-07:00

"This is about the crushing force of the panic
attacks that came when my brain would say 'this
isn't a dream- you aren't going to wake up' and
every fiber of my being would fight reality."

This piece was published in Stephanie's book, Still.

available at Amazon, Barnes&Noble & Sweet Pea Project

Prints and cards of this piece are now available for purchase!

My Mangled Heart

2009-05-15T18:20:00.000-07:00

"This piece was created from the shattered
remains of the clay pots that I smashed in my
driveway as a way to release my anger.
It is how I feel, badly broken but still here."

This piece was published in Stephanie's book, Still.

available at Amazon, BarnesNoble & Sweet Pea Project

Prints and cards of this piece are now available for purchase!

Gone

2009-05-15T18:19:00.002-07:00

"I painted this at 2am a few weeks after
Madeline died. It was the first time I had
picked up a brush since her death and it felt
so amazing to get that out of my body
and onto the canvas."

Expecting

2009-05-15T18:19:00.001-07:00

"I don't think most people realize just how much is lost when a baby dies. You don't just lose the baby, you also lose the 1 and 2 and 10 and 16 year old that she was going to become. You lose Christmas mornings and loose teeth and first days of school. You just lose it all."

Prints and cards of this piece are now available for purchase!

Hellogoodbye

2009-05-15T18:17:00.001-07:00

"She held her for the first time
and then she said goodbye."

Response To A Subsequent Pregnancy

2009-05-15T18:13:00.000-07:00

"When I was pregnant the second time, I honestly did not know how to answer the simple question of 'how are you?' because I felt so many emotions all at once. I was trying to believe in this new little life, but I knew too much this time around and I couldn't trust anything."

Prints and cards of this piece are now available for purchase!

Thursday

2009-05-15T18:11:00.000-07:00

Concerned

Nervous

Anxious

Uncertain

Concerned

Why are they worried?

What’s going on?

Kind of excited

I love ultrasounds

Is something wrong?

Their faces are frozen

Worried, just a little

BAM

“I’m so sorry…”

She’s dead

It washes over me

Drags me under

She’s dead

Dizzy

Disbelief

Do it again

They turn the monitor

I look

But I can’t see

I’m gone

So is she

Dizzy

Nothing makes sense

“Wait here”

“Richy’s coming”

“Here is a gown”

I stay in my clothes

He’s here

He’s crying

Now I can cry

Maybe I’ll kill myself

I wish I knew how

Confused

Scared

Complete disbelief

What are they asking of me?

I have to labor?

She needs to come out?

This is all wrong

I want to go home

I want to die

Please make it stop

Why won’t it just stop?

Silence

Resolve

Utter disbelief

I detach from my body

They do things to that girl

I guess that she’s me

IV, Pitocin, Catheter

I don’t care

Water breaks

Muscles contract

I don’t feel them

Are they even mine?

Baby is coming

One last push

I won’t

You’ll take her from me

Keep her inside

She’s safe with her mommy

No choice

No control

My body betrays me

She’s out

She is dead

They say “it was a girl”

Has she stopped being one?

She is a girl

I know

She’s my daughter

I hold her

I love her

They take her away

I fall

Down

Days pass

Shock lifts

Disbelief stays

Pain comes

Piles of it

More every day

It crushes me

Darkness

Darker than darkness

Engulfs me

I stare for hours

The lights stay off

There’s nothing to see

I ache

I long

I die every morning

I cry myself to sleep

I wake up

I die again

I hurt and hurt and hurt

It doesn’t stop

Time does not heal

This will not heal

I will just learn to breathe through the pain

But I don’t want to breathe

I don’t want to heal

I just want to wake up on Thursday

and start over again

Healing Is Difficult

2009-05-15T18:04:00.000-07:00

My belly had collapsed into its own emptiness

and blood, breast milk and tears were flowing from me

I was being drained of life

and for that I was glad

I felt I had died with my daughter

I was angry to still be alive.

But life did not leave me entirely

though I begged it to with all of my heart

And the wreckage of my body began to regain its form

The milk realized its uselessness and dried up

The blood slowed, then stopped

Only the tears continued their flow

though they seemed to drain me less and less each time.

The ache and longing are still present now

but in a less suffocating way

And sometimes her pictures make me smile a little

before I break down and cry

I guess you could call that healing

but I know I don’t feel healed.

There will always be a gaping emptiness

in the Madeline-sized hole in my heart

But lately, sometimes, on sunny days

when I’m lying in the grass

and I feel the stir of new life inside of me

I realize that while I still miss her desperately

and though I still hate that this is my life

I'm not always so angry to be alive anymore

Silence

2009-05-15T18:03:00.000-07:00

This house is so quiet.

I hate it.

I want noise.

I want to hear my baby’s cries.

It’s just my own cries that keep me up at night now.

Sometimes I feel this urge,

this overwhelming need

to just scream

to break the silence.

I don’t have peace and I don’t want quiet.

So I scream

so loud it worries the neighbors

and hurts my throat.

But I don’t care what the neighbors think.

And I kind of like the hurt.

So I scream,

from the bottom of my broken heart

and shattered soul,

for how wrong this is.

For my daughter.

For the life she never got to live.

For the lives she never got to touch.

For her eyes that never saw my face.

Pretty eyes I never got to see.

I scream and I scream and I scream.

To hurt my throat

To end the silence.

Untitled

2009-05-15T18:02:00.000-07:00

I know you more intensely

then I have ever known anyone.

We shared my body.

I kept you warm and nourished

and helped you grow.

There was not one second of your life

that was not spent in my presence.

I held you your entire life.

But still I feel like there was so much about you

that I never knew

and now I'll never know

Untitled

2009-05-15T17:59:00.000-07:00

you grew in me

and I grew too

you were you

and I was me

but we were one

our lives flowing

weaving

entwined in each other

daughter

mother

connected with love

with tissue and blood

in body

and soul

and then

the end.

Impossible

how can it be that one

so young

so full of life

waiting to burst into this world

slipped out so quietly

over before even one breath

you slipped away in the night

you didn’t even wake me

you left me there sleeping

left me there all alone

waiting

for what would never come